Stop the Clock!

One of the things I’m adjusting to in retirement is my whole perception of time.

First of all, when I wake up, so many days I have absolutely no idea what day it is. I get up and start looking for clues – Check the fridge for leftovers -   Was it Taco Tuesday last night?  Yes - okay, it’s Wednesday. When you don’t have work anchoring your week anymore, it’s so easy to lose track of time.

But there’s another time concept that I’ve been dealing with -  even though I have more control over my time now, I feel this constant pressure that there’s still not enough of it. I know a lot of this is because of how I’ve been conditioned in my last 2 careers. Both were very deadline heavy, with small time windows and lots of stress. My first real career was being a television writer and producer in LA, and then I left that because I had my daughter and wanted to pursue a career that was less stressful. So I became a teacher. Not less stressful.

And I know I’m not unique. So many of us have spent years working in jobs where we’re expected to do more, do it faster, and somehow fit everything else in our lives into whatever small windows of time is left over either when we get home from work or on the weekends.

So like now, for instance, if I wake up later than I planned I immediately feel like I’m behind in my day. I have to start adjusting my routine. Got up late, so I don’t have time to stretch – I gotta get going. To Where? I’m working from home right now, 10 hours a week with a schedule I create myself.  Where is this anxiety coming from?

What I’m realizing is that leaving a full-time job doesn’t necessarily mean I can just shed all the habits, pressures and fears I developed while working.

And then when I really look more closely at this feeling that I’m always running behind, I realize there’s something else underneath it.

Fear.

Because I’m in this strange place where I have more time in my days than I’ve had in decades—but less time ahead of me than I used to. And somehow, I’m trying to hold both of those realities at the same time. On one hand -  I can relax, because I’m not working full-time anymore and I have more time that actually belongs to me. But on the other hand, the time I have now feels more precious. I finally have all of this freedom and I don’t want to waste it.

So right now, I’m trying to give myself some grace. To notice that urgency and anxiety when it shows up instead of judging it—or automatically giving in to it. I spent decades learning how to juggle and multi-task my life and it’s going to take time to stop treating every day like there’s a deadline attached to it.